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    A Good Day to Die Hard

    Reviewed by
    adamwatchesmovies@

    “Live Free or Die Hard” a.k.a. “Die Hard 4.0” pushed the franchise to this limits but it's a documentary compared to "A Good Day to Die Hard". This fifth and final chapter is a dumb, ugly, badly written film populated with templates instead of characters. Thankfully, it's so thin and unmemorable, it passes by like nothing and then exits your memory.

    In Moscow, corrupt Russian official Viktor Cagarin (Sergei Kolesnikov) is strongarming former billionaire and government whistleblower Yuri Komarov (Sebastian Koch). Unless Yuri hands over his secret files incriminating Viktor, Yuri will never see the light of day again. When his trial is interrupted by a terrorist attack, Jack McClane (Jai Courtney) pulls Yuri out of the wreckage and they go on the run. Meanwhile, NYPD detective John McClane (Bruce Willis), unaware that his son works for the CIA, travels to Russia to rescue Jack.

    Remember how John McClane’s biggest obstacle in the original film was a floor covered in glass? No one in this movie does. There’s “protagonist armour” and then, there’s the forcefield around this man. At various points throughout, John survives two car crashes within the span of ten minutes and walks away from them without even dusting himself off, he pulls a piece of jagged metal shrapnel from his leg as if it’s a wooden splinter, he jumps out of a glass window without hesitation before falling through half a dozen floors of wooden scaffolding and getting up again to keep the nonsense going. If they make another one of these, they might as well have him flying around the city shooting lazer beams from his eyes. Gaining super powers would be the only thing that could happen to a man who emerges from a pool of radioactive water like it’s nothing. Even Superman has well-documented weaknesses. 2013’s John McClane is IN-VIN-CIBLE.

    From the director of “Max Payne” and the writer of “Hitman” comes a film that doesn’t care about anything and who banks entirely on an audience blinded by nostalgia. When John isn’t arguing with his son and making fun of him for working for the CIA (what?), he’s the living embodiment of “The Ugly American”. Having demolished the first car he’s stolen, he walks in the middle of traffic. He nearly gets hit by a car. The driver gets out, yelling at him. What does John do? He punches this man in the face, yells at him for speaking in Russian - in Russia - and then drives off with his vehicle. This is our hero?

    I’ve focussed my thoughts almost exclusively on John because he’s the only character in the film. Well, that’s being generous. He’s more of a collection of sarcastic remarks than an actual human being. Jack is frustrated and determined. That's it. The villains? They’re a joke. Radivoje Bukvić plays a tap-dancing, carrot-eating baddie who's less threatening than Bugs Bunny. He does suceed in making your jaw fall to the floor, which is something but I can’t imagine what anyone was thinking with that nothing of a role.

    There are more plot holes than plot in “A Good Day to Die Hard”. You think I’m joking, but not really. You'll see the twists coming. Character arcs? The closest thing we get to one is Jack shifting from calling his father “John” to “Dad” near the end. For comparison, here's my short list of things that make no sense:
    If Yuri Komarov’s super secret file will expose Viktor Chagarin for the crook that he is, why does he want it back? Shouldn’t he just want Yuri dead so he can’t share it?
    How can John and Jack - travelling via stolen car - get to Chernobyl nearly as quickly as a helicopter?
    When did they invent those magic wands that can spray steam and make radiation disappear? If those exist, why haven’t they cleaned up all of Chernobyl?
    Why aren’t there any police in Moscow? At one point, the villains fly a war helicopter through the city, blasting at buildings willy-nilly. We never even hear a single siren down below.
    Why did Irina (Yulia Snigir) kill herself to avenge her father?
    How are Jack and John supposed to get out of the country when they’re just created a second nuclear disaster by blowing up a safe full of radioactive materials less than twelve hours after engaging in a high-speed chase that saw at least a dozen cars (and their passengers) get squished?
    Why didn’t that taxi driver (Pasha D. Lynchnikoff) ever come back?

    I distinctly remember the theatrical release of “A Good Day to Die Hard”. A friend asked me if I wanted to see it with him. I said yes because I knew that at the nearby Futureshop, I could buy a Blu-ray of the original film and with it, get a promo code to see this new release for less than $3. Did paying less enhance my experience? Not really. I paid nothing to see "A Good Day to Die Hard" a second time and it sucks even more now! (February 11, 2022)

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    adamwatchesmovies@  25.4.2013 age: 26-35 2,867 reviews

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